I have so many words trying to get out.So many emotions that storm through me and I'm afraid to utter a single sound for I don't think anyone would understand me.It took a moment of strength and fearlessness..to walk into a room dark and deep of shadow and face it alone, just listening to the voices outside the room.To stand aside from them and hear them and my own thoughts as they careen into shadow.Then come back out and know all is the same as it was before you left.It took a moment and a cup of coffee.At 6 am when I had little sleep, but Someone wanted to show me something he thought was profound and I followed willingly.Timmy took me outback in the pre-dawn cold, on our little porch and he, clear eyed but sleepy himself, performed the most graceful dance of arms and limbs as the sun rose.And as he finished and they alighted, he stood and held his hand out to me..I took it and he asked me to listen.Birds broke out in chorus, such glorious sound, unlike any music I have ever heard..Blue jays and robins, a few crow.Birds I couldn't even identify, just sang out.I liked the shrill voice of the small birds, but Timmy new each bird by sound and looking up at him after 7 years of being together...I finally saw..I mean SAW him.For years we have denied ourselves moments, steps that we have misjudged.I claimed so much in the past but never fully understood what it all meant.That dark room..That 6 am sun rise..that's all it took.Reading words on paper for years have taught me things but experiencing them..REALLY experiencing them, with someone who you would never expect to understand them...That is what it took to make me see.I have made mistakes..And so has Timmy.Gods know I am no where near perfect, no where near even close to perfect.I have forgotten the smallest things that make me happy and have tried to achieve goals too far out of reach and sight for me.I only want for one person to TRULY see me.To truly understand me..One person to know and say..I get it.
I spoke to Timmy on that pre-dawn porch, listening to the birds and spoke from my soul.He cried..He really cried.I moved someone, not with my own emotion, but I stirred the soul of another being...even when I tumbled over my own words.I know he got it.I have had so many people read my words, see my artwork...and always smile and say "I understand" but unless you have been at the bottom of that vast pit looking up at the lost freedom, with broken wings and a tired voice..You will never, ever truly understand, and I am fine with that.I want to paint a picture of the peace and inner joy I have found, with words and artwork, even if no one but myself and my Gods understand it.I want the world to finally SEE me, to finally KNOW me..To know I have grown from the scared irate girl I was once and I have grown in wisdom and patience.That I have learned to budget, even if i dont get the chance to prove it.BUT I really have nothing to PROVE to anyone but myself and I KNOW what I found during those hours was real.I know they were painted in colors and sounds only I could find.If this is what it is meant to find yourself then please..allow me to find myself every morning, beneath grey skies and within dark rooms.Allow me to find myself through the tears of another person, simply because I have SPOKEN.
A moment that meant the world to me..and showed me a whole new world in return.
this is one of the most beautiful things i've ever read. for you to share such an intimate and emotional moment is heart warming. reading it has given me hope that that true happiness is possible. it was an honor and privilege.